The goal is not making art. It is living a life. Those who live their lives will leave the stuff that is really art. Art is a result. It is the trace of those who have led their lives. It is interesting to us because we read the struggle and the degree of success the man made in his struggle to live. The great question is: “What is worthwhile?” The majority of people have failed to ask themselves seriously enough, and have failed to try seriously enough to answer this question.

—Robert Henri, The Art Spirit

About

Nob Hill at Night (1997)

Do you wonder what your life is about?
Do you wonder if you understand the world around you, or if you are, instead, merely guessing and hoping? And why do you make these specific choices; what is it you are after?

I spent a long time, reaching for clear answers.

Painting and writing helped me.

This site is my gift to you.

As making the pictures and the stories helped me, you may find something here that will point the way to your own clarity, especially if you are wandering through imperfect circumstances.


Romancing a different city, 1982

And who is the giver?

An ordinary guy. Everything you see here was produced by someone with a full-time job, a spouse, a child. Each piece represents a victory over the evil forces of necessity.

And what is it I am after?

A moment, an instant when the world undresses for me, when reality corrects my ideas. What am I talking about? A few examples:

Nowhere, Texas (1970s)

Deep in the last century, a long, rounded school bus rolled through the scorched air of a Texas summer, carrying a dozen thirteen-year-olds on a church trip. The bus had no air-conditioning. All windows were open, allowing a hot wind to blow through it. A tall, skinny passenger sat near the front, looking across the aisle at a cute classmate named Vicky. Blinding yellow light blew through us like the wind. We sweated. The bus bounded further. Five hours, six, seven.

All of us were tired and uncomfortable, yet as I looked at Vicky, drifting off into sweaty sleep, I thought, “This is what I’m living for. Everything is exactly as it should be. I could sit here forever, never stop, never get off.” Nothing in my upbringing pointed to this.

The Bus


The golden sidewalks and lawns of Academia


Thinking, thinking

Real, serious drawing classes last three hours. I didn’t know this until I was chosen to study free at a prestigious, private college, during my senior year of high school. I couldn’t afford a degree there, but I got to experience it for a few months. One day after class, I walked out with an older woman. She confessed her frustration, saying our teacher discouraged us and his methods confused, rather than clarified. I agreed, but I wanted her to keep coming, because I liked her company. Accordingly, I suggested we lean toward the teacher’s thinking, for a minute. “Let’s be Roger and examine this environment as we would a drawing in his class,” I said. I pointed to the objects around us. “See the straight lines of the sidewalk,” I said. “They contrast sharply with squiggly curves in the oak tree branches. The branches reach up to the sky, but the whole tree arcs down toward the grass, reaching for us.” That’s when it happened.

At first I was just imitating our pompous teacher’s “art talk,” but as I listened to it coming out of my own mouth, everything changed. Suddenly I wasn’t just aping him. Each branch and leaf and blade of grass revealed itself, like a planet in space. I saw the visual gravity between the sidewalk and the grass and the trees, pulling them into a single, greater system. My horizons expanded in every direction. Each object sprang to life. The trees weren’t still poles, rooted in the ground, but surging armies, invading the sky. I remembered something I’d read, that vision takes place in the brain, not the eye. My brain changed and the world around me transformed. From that day forward, everything I saw—even dull, ordinary objects—fascinated me, in every moment. This may be hard to believe; it’s hard for me to believe.

The Miracle

Exploring the deep, blurry, classical past

Starting Over

In another art school far away, I joined other students in drawing from plaster casts of classical sculpture, six hours each week. Our delightful, wizened teacher, Oliver Grimley forced us to physically measure every mark we put on the paper. Once each week, he came to my easel and showed me exactly how each line I’d made was wrong, then said, “I think the best thing you can do is to start over.” I did start over, repeatedly, and I kept the same view of the same cast. I never finished a drawing, during that four-month class. In the middle of frustration and discouragement, Oliver opened the doors of perception for me, revealing the difference between my preconceptions and the plaster surface, which remained uncontaminated by my errors. “Soon school will be over,” I thought. “During the lifetime of work ahead, I won’t have a teacher. I’ll have to catch these differences myself, and become ruthless about correcting them.”

Twenty-seven years later, I began a large, complicated painting, on four canvases. After drawing the underpainting for six months, I recognized that it wasn’t fitting together the way I wanted. Oliver’s spirit touched my shoulder kindly, and I heard his voice, “I think the best thing you can do is to start over.” I took the canvas off the stretchers, rolled a new, white surface onto them, and began again. That action saved the project from failure, and the delay was insignificant. Oliver was dead by then, so I sent my thanks up to the sky, for the courage he instilled in me.

This was not working. It just didn’t look right.

Pyramid - Dead Man’s Point (1989)

Heaven is the place where you think of nowhere else

On an autumn afternoon, I took my paintbox to a cliff in Lincoln Park, San Francisco. I painted a promontory called “Dead Man’s Point,” which looked like a pyramid of sandstone, with trees on top. A sign in front of it warned, “People have fallen to their deaths.” The sign’s grim poetry slowed down my fluttering thoughts. Cold fog blew overhead, the sun sank into the Pacific, striking the Point in sad farewell. Under the cliff where I stood, a seal played and yelped. I remembered the day on the school bus with Vicky, how similar the two moments were, and said, “This is really living.”